So, against my better judgement I tuned into the VMAs last night over on good old MTV.  I realize I’m not a 19 year old college student who just had to find out if Spencer and Lo could sit through the entire ceremony (I use that word loosely) without a confrontation, but I simply had to see Britney in all her come-back glory–a bit of nostalgia if you will.  And nostalgia (mixed with a tiny bit of horror and refluxive bile) is totally what I got: to start, Britney kicked off the show looking like her old self–she looked fantastic!  And not fantastic for a crazy person who had two children, gained 30 pounds, shaved her head, locked herself in a bathroom and crashed more cars than people care to remember; it doesn’t take much to be fantastic with this kind of track record; no, she was sheer body-stocking covered in rhinestones carrying a huge albino boa constrictor fantastic!  She looked like she was 19 again!  So there was Britney looking all glam, Christina Aguilera doing a pop-y number instead of a power ballad, a rapping LL Cool J,  some rapper who danced around on stage with his pants hanging down below his knees, and I heard Pauly Shore was in the audience!  Guys, is it 1999 and no one told me?   What the heck?

Regardless, I have some observations after viewing the VMAs the way all awards ceremonies were meant to be viewed: in fast-forward DVR mode.  Here we go:

-The host was, in a word. . .horrible!  He may be famous in the UK (which he had to remind us a few times), but he is not famous here.  I did fast-forward through most of is “comedy” so I could be wrong.  But I happen to know that I am not wrong.

-Did I mention that Britney looked fantastic?  And she won 3 awards (who even knew she had a single let alone a video?).

-I would totally be in love with the Jonas Brothers if I was 16!  I think this was the first time I had ever seen actual pictures of them and it was definitely the first time I  heard their music.  They are too cute for words!  I just wanted to pitch their cheeks! (in a total non-“to catch a pretator” way)

-What was up with Rhianna’s rat tail?  The thing was so huge, it was as if it had taken over Rhianna’s body and was forcing her and the zombie minions to dance spasticly throughout the audience.  I secretly hoped it would go rogue, detaching itself from her head, and strangle the host at the foot of her metallic-iced wedding cake!

-Something had to be wrong with the teleprompters!  People were stumbling over their words left and right and if they didn’t mispronounce anything, they were left looking horribly vacant and awkward, like they were praying they wouldn’t mess up like the poor sap before them.  The only people who had any natural charisma on stage were the Disney kids–Miley, the Jonas Brothers, etc.   The mouse sure knows how to train their little money makers!

-Why was Demi Moore there?  Was I wrong with my original estimate and its actually 2003?

-Are Lil’ Wayne and Weezy the same person?  Because I’m confused (this probably could have been cleared up with some chronological viewing, but I don’t care that much).

-John Legend is super attractive.  I’ve never noticed before.

-When Rhianna isn’t wearing a rat tail that is trying to take over the world, she is pretty bad ass–even though she wears biker jackets sans bra and t-shirt which is not only hard to maneuver in when dancing on stage but is just unsavory to think about (all that rubbing!)

When all was said and done, the 2 1/2 hour VMAs watched in 45 min was altogether entertaining!  Thank you TiVo!