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The following is an intereptation of my feelings that it is Friday as displayed by business people who are dancing to the song “Shout” by the Isley Brothers:

The guy on the far right looks a little like NPH, no?  He’s suited up at least.


A few days ago, as I made my long trek into work, I drove up next to a van with the words “Urgent Blood Transport” written in white across the back windshield.  Now I normally wouldn’t think anything of this phrase had it been posted on the side of, oh I don’t know, an ambulance-looking vehicle of some sort.  But no.  This was a 96′ Dodge Caravan that looked like it had been beat-up from the inside out by an entire team of  ten-year-olds on their way to soccer practice.  Not only that, but the lettering on the back couldn’t have looked less official (unless maybe written on a post-it or scrap grocery receipt found at the bottom of my purse).  The white letters looked to have been purchased at the Home Depot and had been dealt the same blows from the pack of ten-year-olds as the minivan itself.  Lets just say, I would definitely not want any of my blood transported in this vehicle, let alone urgently. 

So, with my interest at an all time high for 7:15 in the morning, I decided to drive past the van to see who was driving this apparent vehicle of deceit.  This did nothing to calm my fears about the safety and sterility of the substances inside the van, as the driver was SO obviously a vampire.  My mind did not immediately jump to this conclusion, however, as society has now taught us that the vampires of today are supposed to be brooding, beautiful and sparkly.  This guy, on the other hand, looked like he had spent a raucous night in his buddy’s basement with a 12 pack of Budweiser, at least two joints (maybe three), and a breathtaking game of quarters.  He looked to be about 42, was wearing a dirty white undershirt, had long, stringy hair and had very, very pale skin (not exactly the vampire of teenage dreams).  Once again, maybe I could have excused the appearance of the van if the driver had been wearing, oh I don’t know, some sort of uniform – something more official looking than the uniform normally worn by drunken car mechanics. 

This got me thinking about an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (or maybe it was Angel), when it was discovered that some of the local vampires were high-jacking blood as it was transported between hospitals.  Then it clicked!  The white skin.  The stringy hair.  The thinly veiled attempt to impersonate a hospital official.  This guy was totally a vampire!  But not one of the vampires that sell movie tickets and make the cover of Us Weekly – this was a real vampire who was totally jacking the blood of MY local hospital.  I didn’t know what to do.  Should I call 911?  Should I attempt to run him off the road?  So I did what any sane person would do in such a predicament – I took out my cell phone and tried to snap a picture of his van so I could show my husband later.  As I searched for my phone, the fake blood transporter started exiting the freeway and was gone.  I did not call 911.  I did not run him off the road.  I did not take his picture (not that he would have showed up in the print because, hello, vampire).  Instead, I let a very cunning (well, not that cunning being as I saw right through his ploy to appear human, but still – he’s trying) vampire out into the world to steal his next batch of blood.  If someone in my town ends up being brutally murdered by a vampire (or even dies because they do not receive their blood transfusion), it is totally on my head!

We can all agree that this is horrible, right?  I mean, come on!  You are a beautiful, thin actress who can wear just about anything and it will look amazing on you (not mention that you most likely had a gaggle of designers begging you to wear their dresses for this night), but instead you choose (for the Oscars nonetheless), a dress that looks like you traveled to Sesame Street, handed the local tailor your designer dress, asked him to shave Snuffleupagus, dye the hair the color of Barney the dinosaur and sew it onto the bottom of the dress.  I just don’t understand the madness of this decision!

It must be said that I diligently tried to think of a clever title for this post, but my mind kept returning to the word “stupid” and I just couldn’t get past it.  This in turn reminded me of the now infamous Hagen family tale when my mother was bragging to some friends about how polite and respectful her children were, especially to each other.  As if in an effort to showcase my mother for the hypocrite that she apparently was, I, at the bossy/violent age of 6, chose this exact moment to pick up a handful of marbles from the chinese checkers set that lay between my brother and I, and proceed to chuck them in the direction of his passive/naive 4-year-old face screaming, ” You’re stupid!”  Timing has always been my strong suit.  It was from this point on that my mother stopped bragging about her well-behaved children.

So, getting back to the point – what was the point?  Oh yeah:  I believe that 3D is indeed stupid – as my brother inevitably was all those years ago – and I would definitely throw chinese checkers at it if I could.  To clarify, I am talking about the newest rendition of 3D – the so-called “amazingly realistic” rendering of Avatar, Alice and Wonderland, etc – and not the “blue and red glasses” 3D experience of yore (for those of you keeping track, the 1980s heretofore shall be known as “yore”).  That 3D was pretty much awesome sauce.  Pretty much.  Do you remember Captain EO?  Sorry for the ridiculous question – of course you remember Captain EO.  Things popped out at you, objects went flying through the air, and Angelica Houston, with her long, freaky-freaky black fingernails, reached out from the screen and gently stroked the tender skin of my adolescent cheek.  It is this very  freakishness that sticks with me today and made the 3D of yore worth wearing the silly, flimsy, cardboard glasses. 

In contrast, the 3D of today, for the most part, provides no such experience and is completely devoid of the awesomeness of my youth.  First of all, the 3D of today is bossy.  Yes bossy.  It puts into focus exactly what it wants you to look at while the background is blurry or extremely hard to look at.  Have you noticed that?  If I want to look at something in the background that is not the highlighted object of the director’s choice, I have to literally use all that is within me to force my eyes to focus on the background. . . and it really hurts the eyes!  WTheck?  Why should my eyes be punished for wanting to explore the screen and the world that has been created?  It’s rubbish I tell you – directors trying to boss around my eyes.  Being a master of film, I understand that directing the eye is all part of being a brilliant film director, but never before have I been punished for seeing through their dirty tricks to get me to focus on one section of the screen.

Secondly, the glass are a big fat nuisance.  Now that they are plastic and heavier, they slowly start to slide down my nose 30 minutes into the film.  So instead of being drawn into the film, as 3D claims to do, I am consistently forced back into the harsh reality of the theater that surrounds me as I dwell upon how annoyed I am to be wearing the glasses.  And I wear glasses all the time – reading, sun, etc – I’m wearing them right now.  But for some reason, those damn 3D glasses do not fit my head/nose correctly.

Thirdly, the 3D of today doesn’t provide enough of a “wow” factor to make it worth the extra bucks that need to be shelled out at the theater (unless you are me and get to see them for free – and even that price is too high).  The tiny flecks of snow and ash that fall in front of your face in Avatar are not worth the extra 5 bucks per ticket nor the 3 hours of wearing those stupid glasses (the glasses really annoy me if you can’t tell).  My money is better spent on a film where I can look at everything on the screen and don’t have to practically duct tape a silly pair of glasses to my head in order to enjoy the film. 

I understand that 3D is the newest fad and that everyone thinks its amazing and bluh, bluh, bluh.  I for one choose to shun the 3D of today.  Shun on!  I hear Captain EO is back – I think I need to visit DLand and have my adult face stroked by Ms. Houston for nostalgia sake (that sounds dirty, but you know what I mean).