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It must be said that I diligently tried to think of a clever title for this post, but my mind kept returning to the word “stupid” and I just couldn’t get past it.  This in turn reminded me of the now infamous Hagen family tale when my mother was bragging to some friends about how polite and respectful her children were, especially to each other.  As if in an effort to showcase my mother for the hypocrite that she apparently was, I, at the bossy/violent age of 6, chose this exact moment to pick up a handful of marbles from the chinese checkers set that lay between my brother and I, and proceed to chuck them in the direction of his passive/naive 4-year-old face screaming, ” You’re stupid!”  Timing has always been my strong suit.  It was from this point on that my mother stopped bragging about her well-behaved children.

So, getting back to the point – what was the point?  Oh yeah:  I believe that 3D is indeed stupid – as my brother inevitably was all those years ago – and I would definitely throw chinese checkers at it if I could.  To clarify, I am talking about the newest rendition of 3D – the so-called “amazingly realistic” rendering of Avatar, Alice and Wonderland, etc – and not the “blue and red glasses” 3D experience of yore (for those of you keeping track, the 1980s heretofore shall be known as “yore”).  That 3D was pretty much awesome sauce.  Pretty much.  Do you remember Captain EO?  Sorry for the ridiculous question – of course you remember Captain EO.  Things popped out at you, objects went flying through the air, and Angelica Houston, with her long, freaky-freaky black fingernails, reached out from the screen and gently stroked the tender skin of my adolescent cheek.  It is this very  freakishness that sticks with me today and made the 3D of yore worth wearing the silly, flimsy, cardboard glasses. 

In contrast, the 3D of today, for the most part, provides no such experience and is completely devoid of the awesomeness of my youth.  First of all, the 3D of today is bossy.  Yes bossy.  It puts into focus exactly what it wants you to look at while the background is blurry or extremely hard to look at.  Have you noticed that?  If I want to look at something in the background that is not the highlighted object of the director’s choice, I have to literally use all that is within me to force my eyes to focus on the background. . . and it really hurts the eyes!  WTheck?  Why should my eyes be punished for wanting to explore the screen and the world that has been created?  It’s rubbish I tell you – directors trying to boss around my eyes.  Being a master of film, I understand that directing the eye is all part of being a brilliant film director, but never before have I been punished for seeing through their dirty tricks to get me to focus on one section of the screen.

Secondly, the glass are a big fat nuisance.  Now that they are plastic and heavier, they slowly start to slide down my nose 30 minutes into the film.  So instead of being drawn into the film, as 3D claims to do, I am consistently forced back into the harsh reality of the theater that surrounds me as I dwell upon how annoyed I am to be wearing the glasses.  And I wear glasses all the time – reading, sun, etc – I’m wearing them right now.  But for some reason, those damn 3D glasses do not fit my head/nose correctly.

Thirdly, the 3D of today doesn’t provide enough of a “wow” factor to make it worth the extra bucks that need to be shelled out at the theater (unless you are me and get to see them for free – and even that price is too high).  The tiny flecks of snow and ash that fall in front of your face in Avatar are not worth the extra 5 bucks per ticket nor the 3 hours of wearing those stupid glasses (the glasses really annoy me if you can’t tell).  My money is better spent on a film where I can look at everything on the screen and don’t have to practically duct tape a silly pair of glasses to my head in order to enjoy the film. 

I understand that 3D is the newest fad and that everyone thinks its amazing and bluh, bluh, bluh.  I for one choose to shun the 3D of today.  Shun on!  I hear Captain EO is back – I think I need to visit DLand and have my adult face stroked by Ms. Houston for nostalgia sake (that sounds dirty, but you know what I mean).