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This morning, as I did my normal peruse of the headlines from near and far, I came across this groundbreaking story from Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin: Man Eats 23,000 Big Macs in 36 Years. Interesting, no? So I read further. Turns out the man from Fond Du Lac has OCD and has to eat two Big Macs EVERY DAY!! Whaa? Did you say two everyday? Yes my friend! Two. Per day. Oh, and two parfaits PER DAY for good measure. So, at this point in the story I’m thinking, “How can this man even make it to the nearest McD’s since he most obviously cannot fit into a normal sized car?” But no! OCD man weighs a mere 185 lb, practically nothing for his 6’2″ frame! Good thing he was blessed with maximum strength metabolism since he developed this unfortunate condition of daily consuming meat manufactured from cow hooves and dung. I immediately start to scan the page for a picture, for I do not believe this abomination of science actually exists, as I desperately plot out how to get on board for the all hamburger and parfait diet (would In N’ Out have the same magical effects?). As the scanning continues I notice this little morsel of goodness:

“I also promised her [his mother] I wouldn’t cut my hair and in 20 years I haven’t.”

The freakiness continues!  Picture! Picture!  Where are you?   But instead of showing their readers some mercy by displaying a picture that I can only assume looks like this , this is what we got:

Is that his hand?  Has he not cut his finger nails in 20 years too?  I don’t get it.  I know what a Big Mac looks like, but not the main subject of this article: the long-haired, freaky thin, hamburger consuming (2 PER DAY!!! I can’t get over it), OCD-man of a subject who we deserve to see!  What the heck Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin?  What the heck?